The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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