Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
