so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Pants are for mortals
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
