i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
accomplished twins. life is a go
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
