I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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