I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
