I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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