Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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