I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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