I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize