i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
