U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize