My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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