there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Randomize
