Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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