her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
