So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
