dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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