I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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