Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
