Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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