In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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