he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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