I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize