i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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