between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
