i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
