why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
there is puke in my bra ... again
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
