how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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