Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
