You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize