He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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