If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
