How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
