Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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