My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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