while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
