i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
