Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
