She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
