its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
