god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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