You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dear god my vagina.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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