We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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