I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
