I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
