There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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