i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
