I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
