we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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