Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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