Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
