dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
