I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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