$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize