I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
