You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
