I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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