Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
