I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
